how am i supposed to put this in words that you will comprehend when these days i am lucky if you listen to even the smallest thing i say?
do you remember how once when i couldn't say things aloud to him, i wrote dad a letter? i always thought that you would be the one to listen if i called to you but it turns out i was wrong.
i don't know how to make you listen. i feel like i am screaming and screaming at you but you just cannot hear.
when i told you i wish you and dad were still together so ryan and i could have had a normal childhood, i meant it and in part i was glad that you cried as hard as you did. you were lucky, you got to have both of your parents together, you have no idea how it feels to have your whole world ripped apart. it hurts, no matter how old you are. it still hurts.
since i moved in with you, i have watched you and him get together and then break up and then get together and then break up countless times. do you still wonder why ryan and i are waiting for it to fail this time? if people are going to change and mean it, they do it before they fuck off to sleep with some other woman. i literally don't understand you mum. i want to shake you so hard, shake some sense into you. why don't you see this as we do? how can this be love? or is this what you've decided to settle for now, what you've decided to call love because you can't find the real thing? or worse, you threw it away.
did your parents ever make you feel like this? like you had to tiptoe around them, wary of whether they would explode. in the past 6 months or so i have watched you crying your eyes out, moping around, on anti-depressants. you promised me things, swore to me you would never go back. you are a liar. how can i believe anything you say to me? i especially don't believe you when you tell me you don't want me to move out. do you want me to stay so you can continue to make me feel like this? do you enjoy knowing how much this tears me apart. because i am just waiting for it to fail. your history shows me that. i learn from it whereas you don't. and then, after a month or so, you started to perk up, to get a life, go out with people you had once discarded and you were happy. i have never seen you happier. but recently, after giving in and going backwards on your word, you have been snappy, testy, you don't concentrate peoperly at work, at home. since christmas i have barely seen you, and yes that is in part my fault, but can you blame me for not wanting to spend time with you?
if i am selfish, it is only what i have learnt from you.
when i am a mother, my children will come first, before everything and everyone. i never want them to feel the way i do sometimes about you.
since ryan, you and i had that conversation you have ignored everything we have asked. yes, maybe i am dictating to you because maybe i feel like i have a bit of a right to. you left me. you can spin it however you want mum, but you left me. this is the way i will always view it. it is so hard to forget that. and that is why i feel like yes, i can dictate to you what i want you to do, because you should be making it up to me, to us, to ryan and i, your children. not pushing us farther and farther away. maybe i am so angry because of you, because of what you did to me and my family.
i think i will always be angry with you in some way. i find it very hard to forgive you for leaving. i don't want to be angry with you, you are my mother for god's sake.

i cannot keep crying these tears for you, for this situation. i cannot keep doing this old familiar dance.
this is my year to become better than you. i will not waste it.

i have written this as if i am going to show you it, but i am still scared to hurt you as much as you have hurt me. does that make me a coward or a better person?

you say 'don't be upset.'
but it's hard. it's so fucking hard.
this doesn't just affect you, when are you going to realise this?

i cannot wait to have my own family for the simple reason that then i can escape my own.

i just watched itv's adaptation of wuthering heights and oh my god, i am in love with heathcliff.
he is, in short, the tormented, maddened, love-wrought soul i long for. so desperate in his love for cathy. urgh, he is such a beautiful soul because of his despairing love for her.
and i couldn't believe that she even had to think twice when he asked her to run away with him, that she let her brother treat him as a slave, that when edgar asked her to marry him she hesitated in her answer. if i were her, i would have run away with him. i would have no want for money, food, shelter. as long as i were with the one who loved me as much as he then i would be content. i would have no want for the simple desires, pleasures, needs of this life. i would survive only on our love. oh god, i am so desperatley in love with heathcliff!

but to be honest, i have found my heathcliff. i have my andy.
i am realising of late that i am so desperatley, selfishly, maddeningly, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with andy.
if he asked me tomorrow to marry him, i wouldn't hesitate. and although i joke to him that unless the ring is from tiffany's i won't say yes, he could give me a gummy ring, or present me with an empty box and a promise, i would always say yes.
i find myself so love-struck at the strangest of times. i wander off into a daydream and am always smiling like a loon when i think of him. he is my world, my life, my soul, my constant in this ever-changing world.
and the best thing? i know, i know that this is the real thing, that this will last forever, that we will be eternally bissful in our love. i can feel in it every atom of my body, to the furthest reaching depths and heights of my soul. every broken, wounded piece of my heart has been sewn back together with threads of his love.
i have searched for this, for as long as i can remember, for what feels like an eternity. and finally, finally, it is here. he is here.

right now, i'm listeneing to the wicked soundtrack and i am in tears.
i have no idea why, or what is wrong with me. but ever since i saw this last wednesday i've has the soundtrack in my head continuously.
i seriously loved it and the soundtrack is just pure love.
someone please come with me to see it again [yesyoubethan] but be prepared to be sat next to me bawling.

so let me say before we part so much of me is made from what i learnt from you <3

'i love you,' i say, my legs intertwined in his and my arms holding him in such a vice like grip it's a wonder he can breathe, let alone move.

he says nothing, his lips are still as statues, unswayed by such trivial things as breezes and people stopping to admire them. his hands are moving though, his eyes, watching the screen closely, his fingers darting back and forth across the gamepad, reminiscent of the way he used to caress my naked body, held so close to his after heated throws of passion in which he would tear my clothes from my body with such grace i was still marvelling at his dexterity when he entered me.

the only throws of passion i see from him now are annoyances at his game when something doesn't go his way.

it's become like this, a never-ending battle for attention over some stupid piece of digital fantasy that only serves to frustrate him more than it does please him.

i extricate myself from him, my limbs pulling out from the places they have grown around him like ivy around some quaint little village cottage. i stand and walk out of the room, out of his life without even so much as a backwards glance for the person i've spent the last five years of my life with.

it's not until three hours later when his thirst becomes too much and he calls to me to quench it that he even realises i'm gone. too late, as always.